Sunday, December 11, 2011

A Family Affair

Dear Baby Girl,
It's me, your midwife. I first met your mother when she came to me suspecting she was pregnant. An ultrasound showed a 10 week little you with a strong, steady heartbeat. While you were a little unexpected, you were very wanted. Over the next 10 weeks, your sister Hannah prayed you were a girl. I had the pleasure to watch the video of your sister cutting a cake that would be either pink or blue...the squeals of joy were priceless as she yelled, "I'm having a sister!" I have grown very fond of your mother and your siblings, as they were able to come to a few prenatal visits. I did not get to know your Dad very well until your birth day, but I can tell he is an awesome father. Now let's talk about that special day.

Your Mom opted for a natural childbirth. She also wanted your brothers and sister to be present during your birth. She prepared your siblings so well by describing the all the sounds and sights of a birth. She had them watch a few birth videos so that nothing would too much a surprise. This would be a first for me having a 10, 8 and 6 year old in a delivery room. It takes a very poised Mom to pull off giving birth without scaring her other children...something I did not feel I could do almost six years before with the birth of my own son. Your Mom made it look easy as she rocked on the birth ball and would become silent with each contraction, then flash a reassuring smile to your siblings when it was over. Your oldest brother Jacob, would come over every now and then to whisper into her ear, "Are you okay?" He would also be the one standing outside the bathroom door and peeking in while I sat with your mother while she labored in the tub. At this point, we knew you were close. Your brother would look at me with a little man's eyes full of concern but amazing calm.

All the births I attend move me and I feel so lucky to get to be a part of something so beautiful and miraculous. Your birth is one I will not soon forget... Your mother had moved back to the bed to birth you. She was surrounded by so much love as your siblings and Dad stood around her head. You did not take long to appear but in that short time there was enough love to last a lifetime as your sister whispered to your mother, "You are doing so good, Mommy" as your oldest brother put his hand on her forehead as if to comfort. Your other brother William made me chuckle as he looked on through his fingers as he covered his eyes. Your Dad of course, was the rock that held you all up. There was not a a dry eye in the room as you made your grand appearance and I had to choke back my own tears so I could focus on my tasks. Your new little cries were met by laughter from your siblings, as Hannah exclaimed, "That's my sister!" As I placed you on your mother's abdomen, you were enveloped by eager arms and hands. So much love and joy.

Happy Birthday Lucy, you are one lucky little girl.


As always, this was written with permission.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Darby three




This time of year is exciting, new and sometimes a cause for anxiety..mostly for the parents. It's the return to school. While I am ready for more of a schedule, earlier bedtimes and structure, my heart is slightly heavy. I know I am not alone in my feelings, many mothers will be sending their children to school for the first time or as in my case also to a new level of school. As some of you may have read on Facebook, I had a major meltdown when I enrolled Annabelle in junior high a few weeks ago. As the summer days wind down I catch myself looking closer at my children as if I am trying to capture moments to sustain me for the fast years coming at me.
Annabelle~ This morning I snuck into your room while you were sleeping. I hardly recognized the woman-child sprawled across the bed. Your feet are now bigger than mine and your body is beginning to reflect the woman you will become. I lay down beside you, curling my body around yours noting how your length is so close to mine. For a few moments I listened to your breathing and remembered a time when I could hold you close to my heart your little body laying across my chest..today as I folded your body next to mine for a few stolen moments of snuggles..I shed a few tears. I am so excited for you and your new journeys but often wonder where the year have gone.
Amelia~ You are an amazing girl. I feel like I am still getting to know you while feeling like I have always known you. Everyday it seems I learn something new about you.. This summer has been a huge summer of growth. You are able to speak your mind and choose to do more often of which I am pleased. You bless me with hugs and words of love at moments when I seem to need them the most. I am excited for you to have a few years of school without the shadow of your sister around. I know you have struggled and sometimes feel like you can't compete or succeed against Annabelle's accomplishments. I hope you know that you already have in your own way...
Zachary~ Six years ago as I dropped your oldest sister off at kindergarten, my heart was happy knowing you were on your way. In fact, that first day of school was when I saw your heartbeat and was reassured that you were fine. You were my security blanket of sorts since I was losing your sisters to school, I knew I would at least have a little you. How you have betrayed me. This year we will send you to kindergarten and I can hardly believe we are at this moment already. You are so ready! You are already reading and I worry that you may be a little bored at school but I'm sure your teachers are used to busy little boys. You have a smile that warms my heart and you proclaim your love numerous times throughout the day. Sometimes you will slow down long enough for a few cuddles but mostly with your Dad since you seem to worship him now. That's okay...you will come back to me someday.
I have taken the first day of school off mostly so that I can be there to celebrate their big moments. A little so that I can celebrate the end of summer and gaining a little freedom. Mostly, so I can privately shed a few tears...
Good luck to all of you sending your babies off to school!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dancing Mommies

"Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt." ~ Coldplay


These words resonated so loudly to me just recently. I was labor - sitting with a patient who was having her first baby after many years. Her husband had brought music to distract her and during her labor she danced to many different songs..dancing her baby down into her pelvis. In the midst of a contraction, this song began to play. I watched in awe as my patient started dancing to the beat with her contraction and the words seemed so appropriate. I mean, that is what labor is, pain without harm, pain without hurt or suffering. She was beautiful to watch and such an inspiration. Labor-sitting is a privilege of my job that I try to do as often as I can. I am a strong believer in being present for a woman during labor. By doing so, the woman is made to feel safe thus allowing her body to do the work of birthing. Since I am unable to be in the patient room all the time, I strongly encourage my patients to hire a doula. The hospital I deliver at has amazing labor nurses, but with the title RN comes many responsibilities often pulling her away from the bedside. Having a doula allows my patient and her partner to have someone with them constantly that they have come to know and trust. When I know my patient has a doula, my mind is at ease during those moments that I am in the clinic or with another patient.

Recently, I had a couple that was going through an especially long labor process. Their doula was tireless and kept their spirits high. I would watch as doula and partner would move together, seemingly effortless to work with the mother through each contraction. At times, I sometimes feel like an observer and a little unsure of my place but always grateful for the constant support. As I was sitting quietly watching the team at work, my patient reached for me and inviting me into her circle of trust. Without speaking she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, put her cheek against mine and we swayed with the contraction. I could feel her abdomen tightening against mine and for a moment I was taken back to my own births and though I could not take her pain, I shared that contraction with her. Our breathing was the same, our movements in sync, sisters in labor.

I think when I retire I will become a doula in hopes for more dancing..

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Grace like rain

Author's note: It is with permission that I share details.. "Grace Like Rain" is the title to one of my favorite songs. Surprised? So am I. I first heard the words to this song at the most unexpected place and at a time when I needed to hear it. I was at a meeting at a birth center downtown, I had just returned to school and beginning my three year journey toward midwifery. I had three young children at home and was sure I had made a mistake. I was attending this meeting to acclimate myself into midwifery in hopes that I would leave with a sign that I was making the right decision. Then an Angel appeared.. I'm not kidding. That was her name and she could sing. This song she sang was beautiful and for some reason moved me to tears. I felt like I had my answer and had truly found my calling. I ran into Angel again a few years later when I was attending a conference in Seattle. I learned she was singing at the Christian Midwives sermon and I attended in hopes she would sing that song again..."how precious did that grace appear.." Those words ring true to me and I feel humbled by their powerful meaning, for I have been looking for grace my whole life. Thankfully, it finds me where I least expect it. I struggle with my faith sometimes, feeling like an outsider trying to get into a secret society, though I have been welcomed with open arms. I cannot identify with one religion easily or put a name to my beliefs. But I do know this: I have a strong faith in God. I believe He is guiding me in all my life exeriences both good and bad. I believe God is gracious in that he has given me moments of clarity when I seem to need it the most. The most obvious being through Annabelle's spiritual journey. Annabelle began asking about God when she was five and leaving notes around the house asking God for His presence. She began attending church with our close friends Kreisa and Brady Braatz and after a few years asked if she could be baptized. On Easter Sunday a few years ago, my daughter was submerged into a tank of water, baptismal words bestowed upon her. When she came up from the water, that's when I saw it... pure joy, belief, faith and love of God was shining on my daughter's face...the hour I first believed.. Of course it is easy to feel God's presence in every birth I attend. Birth in an incredible gift and truly miraculous. At times I feel I am made more aware of His presence by answered prayers. I pray at every delivery I attend, sometimes without realizing that I am doing so until the birth is done and I whisper a thanks to God. I pray for the mother to have strength to birth, for my hands to do no harm, for that first cry from a new baby and for all to be well. Recently, I found myself praying in earnest while experiencing my first obstetrical emergency as a midwife. What could have been a scarier, more tragic experience was tempered by the fact that my doctor was in the next room and an anesthesiologist walked in just as I was calling for an emergent delivery. Was it coincidence or God's grace that the necessary people were readily available for my patient? Or how about my lovely couple whose sweet baby's head I am cradling in my blog photo? Due to religious beliefs they choose to refuse blood transfusions, which thankfully most mothers do not need while giving birth. This patient was strong, labored and pushed for many hours but the baby would not come. In her c-section, the doctor and I both noted that she was not bleeding much at all, especially in a circumstance that usually would have heavy bleeding. I murmured, half-jokingly "must be a God thing." A few days later I was given clarity again when I was discussing the lack of bleeding to my patient and her spouse, and how amazing it was to see. The patient replied, "Yes, well my husband prayed for me just before the surgery." "Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me.."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Just Breathe

"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"~ Anna Nalick

It's the eve of my birthday. I am pensive today, feeling quiet and somewhat withdrawn. It's not the aging that is nagging at my mind..it's the history. I am sitting here thinking of my mother and wondering if 37 years ago today she was having signs of my impending arrival. I wonder what was going through her mind. Was she excited or scared? I was to be her second child, the hopeful son that my father always wanted. A disappointment from the beginning.

I once asked my mother about my birth. It was back when we were speaking, just before the birth of my first child. It was not a happy, peaceful event. It was fast, furious and angry words were thrown about. My mother was laboring quickly and there was not time for pain medicine and so instead of comfort she was told to "stop screaming" and "just push." The doctor, as my mother remembers, was rude and impatient. My father was left in the waiting room to wonder about his wife and child. Not allowed to be present, as I entered the world. It was a nurse that curtly told him, "You have another daughter." I can't help but wonder if our relationship would be different if he had been allowed to be in the room and share in the wonder of birth.

My birth also signified the beginning to what would be a life-long struggle with mental illness for my mother. Shortly after my birth she began to have signs of depression and was put on one medication after another. I imagine that since my mother was only 20, the mother to two young children, that her symptoms were diminished and she was left to fend for herself. As it turns out, my mother struggles with schizoaffective-disorder which was discovered when she began to perceive things that weren't happening. As part of her illness, she thought I was causing her distortions as she later shared with me after the birth of my second daughter. In her mind, she was warning me of the dangers of second daughters as leading to mental illness. Thus ended my relationship with my mother..

I wonder now, if this is part of why I became a midwife. Do I believe that the tone, words spoken and atmosphere of a birth room can set the tone for a relationship parents have with their child? ABSOLUTELY. While I can't prevent bad parenting or mental illness, in my small corner of the world I can at least set a family off on the right path with words of praise, quiet, and with nurturing. I also find importance in not minimizing the struggles a new mom may be having with bonding or depression. I know firsthand, that getting help early can prevent a lifetime of struggles...I just wish someone had been there for my mother.

So tomorrow I will celebrate another year gone by and relish in all my accomplishments. I feel very blessed to have my husband, my children, some family, and many friends to share in my day. I struggle every year with the knowledge that my parents will not call or write. I try to remind myself of their struggles, reach for inner peace and forgiveness. I know that good or bad, my experiences have shaped me and perhaps have made me a better person, wife, mom and midwife.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Six months later..

Tomorrow is a big day. January 19th (not 18th) marks the sixth month of me working as a CNM. It went by so incredibly fast. Last year at this time I was just beginning to learn how to deliver babies and never dreamed that I would be where I am today. As I ponder over the last six months, I feel compelled to share the lessons I have learned. Especially since I know a new midwife class is beginning integration and may travel down a road similar to mine. Here you go...

1. You will NOT know everything when you graduate. It doesn't matter how great your education was and how good your grades were. Midwifery is a learning process ALWAYS.

2. Since you won't know everything, say so. I have found that my patients are okay when I say, "I don't know, but I will find out." One of my biggest fears was looking incompetent. Incompetency comes with making mistakes you could have avoided by asking for help.

3. The anticipation of the pager going off at 2 am is worse than when it actually happens. I spent my first few months unable to sleep because I was anxious about maybe getting called for a delivery in the wee hours of the night. I mean, didn't we become midwives just to get these calls?? The anxiety does go away as does the fear of not sleeping. I have found I can survive on little sleep and that for now sleepless nights are few and far between (check back in March when I have 10 patients due )

4. Trust your gut. You know that little voice that says "stop, listen, act?" Don't ignore it.. I have listened and have gotten patients referred to physicians or specialists as needed and may have changed outcomes. It's an immense responsibility, but so worth it.

5. Be open-minded about how you practice as a midwife compared to how others practice. I have found that we all have something to learn from one another. I learn everyday from my doctors and fellow midwives but would like to think I have enlightened them in some way too.

6. Love your job. I have to admit that for the first few months I drove to work with dread and extreme nausea. I was perhaps letting my fear and anxiety get in the way of me enjoying what I do. There are still days that are more stressful than others but each day I try to remind myself that it was my passion for women's health and the birth process that brought me here. I can now say that I do love what I do and really mean it.

7. Don't forget to live your life. Okay, so the last few months were mostly in survival mode. I realize that six months went by and my children have grown six months older. I have to admit there were nights that all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. I may have neglected family and friends.. Now I am striving to be more outgoing, be more involved and go on dates with my husband.

I have quite a few patients that are in their sixth or seventh month. I feel a certain kinship with them as they have been with me since the beginning of my journey as I have been with them on theirs. We share amazement as to how fast the last six months have gone by. While I am settling into my role, they are preparing for a new one.

So for those students that may be reading this and know me personally. These next six months may be the hardest months of your student career. Learn all you can and keep an open mind about all of your experiences. It is difficult at first, but it does get easier and it's so rewarding on the "other side."